


I Remember the Ribbon In The Sky

by LuciferRising (KatanaRiku)



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Babyz I'm looking at you, Because my stories aren't complete without smut, Does it count as a major character death if he's dead before the fanfic even starts??, Feels, HimDae is life, I will add tags as I go along..., If you don't want to cry LEAVE, Inspired by B.A.P's song Rewind, Letters and memories, Look for B.A.P's songs, Look out for all the song references, Lots and lots of feels, M/M, There will be memory smut later on, There's nowhere near enough of this ship, They're scattered everywhere, i'm warning you now, this is gonna be sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2019-02-08 01:15:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12853569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatanaRiku/pseuds/LuciferRising
Summary: It's been almost three years since Himchan lost Daehyun, the only man he'd ever loved. He's never recovered from the loss, and now the date has rolled around once more, and he finds a box under the bed. Inside were letters upon letters from his love, from profuse apologies about keeping his sickness a secret, from declarations of love, to simple conversations. Will Himchan survive another year without his baby boy, or will he finally give up on living?





	I Remember the Ribbon In The Sky

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, my lovely marshmallows. I'm so sorry for the delay in Bullet Holes Don't Always Mean Death. I swear I'm working on it, but I got inspired (distracted) by another plotline. Please give this one just as much love!! I love you guys!!!

_The window shakes at the sound of the rain_  
_The pillow gets wet_  
_Alone in the dark_

Himchan tugged the lapel of his jacket closer to his neck, keeping his head down to avoid getting smacked in the face with the cold rain that was pouring from the stormy gray sky in an unrelentless tide that didn't seem to show any signs of letting up. Quickly unlocking his front door, he let out a tired sigh. He forgot his umbrella, and now he was drenched from head to toe. Again. After quickly changing into something warmer, and much more dry, the male now stood by the window to watch the rain beat against the glass. The house smelled like a mix of vanilla and mint, which Himchan never thought would blend well, but somehow seemed to work incredibly well. As he watched the sky scream and cry, a memory was pulled up from the depths of this mind. A memory that he kept in a box labeled  _My Love._

_"Himchan!" a man gasped. He stood in the doorway leading into the kitchen, wearing an apron and holding a hand towel. "You're soaking wet! Quickly, go change out of your clothes before you catch a cold! I'll make you something warm to drink." He pushed the drenched man towards the stairs, shooing him with soft tuts, and an affectionate, "Honestly, Channie, when will you learn?"_

_Himchan grinned at the man, and shook his wet hair like a dog, spraying him with rain water and earning himself a gasp. He narrowly escaped getting beat with the towel by darting up the stairs to change. He was quick to pull on a thick sweater, a pair of sweatpants, and thick socks, and he padded back down the stairs to the living room. The man who had greeted him at the door was now sitting curled up on the couch with a book. Leaning against the doorframe, Himchan took a moment to appreciate the beauty in front of him._

_He looked so peaceful, happy, as delicate fingers turned the page. Lightning flashed outside the floor length window, lighting up his baby in a perfect halo, the sudden flash making the blonde strands in his black hair glow brightly. His full lips were quirked up in a slightly teasing smile. As if in slow motion, the man lifted his head, his eyes opening slowly, a playful glint dancing in their chocolate depths. "Channie," he called out softly._

_"Mmm,' he mused softly, still captivated by the siren in front of him._

_Dropping the book onto the table, the man lifted a hand out to him, "I'm cold. Come cuddle with me?"_

_Himchan didn't need to be asked twice; he was throwing himself toward the couch before the question was even finished, causing the man underneath to dissolve into a fit of adorable giggling as he was tackled. He buried his nose into the juncture of the man's neck and shoulder, breathing in his clean, almost minty scent. His body relaxed into the one beneath him as a soft hand came up to card its fingers through his hair gently. "Channie." He cooed affectionately. "My sweet Himchan."_

_"I love you."_

Himchan clutched his heart as a sudden painful throb shot through his body, letting out a racking, choked sob as the memory seared his brain, cracking the barrier he worked so hard to put up over the last three years.

 _At every step, the memories gathered like puddles_  
_Even if I try to forget you_  
_I can't do it_

**✫ ☆ ✫ ☆ ✫ ☆ ✫**

It was about a half past noon the next day when Himchan got a phone call from Youngjae, one of his close friends. He'd been laying in bed, staring at the ceiling blankly, and when his phone went off he didn't even bother looking at it. Rather he blindly groped his nightstand for the ringing device, and bringing it to his ear. "Hello?" He croaked into it. His throat was sore, his voice was raw from the intense sobbing that forced him into sleep from exhaustion.

"Hyung? Hey, it's Youngjae." A sweet voice floated from over the line.

Himchan continued to stare upwards, his body here, but his mind was elsewhere. When he didn't answer, Youngjae continued to talk. The worry in his voice was clear as glass. "How are you? Did you get home well enough? You didn't get sick, right?" Again, nothing.

Youngjae sighed sadly. "Hyung... I know... Are you okay? I know that it's - I mean, I know that this time of year is rough for you. You shouldn't be alone. Hyung? Uppie, Yongguk hyung, Jelly, and I - we're all worried about you, you know. I can come over. Maybe one of us can spend the night?"

A pause. "No." He whispered. "No. I'm fine. I'll be fine. I just need to be alone."

"Hyung, that's the last thing you need right now."

Himchan closed his stinging eyes, tears on the brink of spilling over. "No. I'll be fine, Jae. I promise. I-I have to go now." He hung up before the younger could say anything, throwing his arm over his face, and let out a quiet sob.

It was always like this. It's been almost three years since Himchan lost Daehyun, the only man he'd ever loved. He's never completely recovered from the loss, and now the date has rolled around once more. When he died, Himchan spent months isolating himself from people, boxing away his baby's clothes, his pictures, his memories, his feelings, everything that was purely  _Daehyun_ ,and built a seemingly impenetrable emotional shield that only cracked around this time of year.

_Do something, Kim Himchan. Distract yourself. Stop mourning. It won't bring him back._

It was that thought that had Himchan up and running. Four hours later, and he had cleaned the majority of his house, his need to distract himself now focusing its sights to his bedroom. That was how he found  _it_. A little piece of Dae that he hadn't before.

It was plain. Just a regular brown box shoved underneath the bed, hidden behind shoes, and notebooks, and random pieces of clothing he'd given up trying to find months ago. Pulling it out, he sat back on his heels to examine it. Finally, he gently pried open the flaps. He wasn't prepared for what he found inside. At first glance, it was a just a picture of the two of them on their date to comic-con, with his beloved beauty as Harley Quinn, Himchan as himself, but since Daehyun insisted he wear something, he wore a crown on his head. Daehyun was posing cutely, a peace sign by his eye as Himchan gazed down at him like he was the one who hung the moon.

And, to him, he had.

Underneath the picture, letter upon letter was packed away in envelopes of blue, pink, orange, green, purple, any color one could think of. And they were all labeled to him.

**✫ ☆ ✫ ☆ ✫ ☆ ✫**

_Everyday I still want you_  
_I'm still waiting for you at the place_  
_Where you left me_

Himchan reached down and pulled out the first letter, a Blue envelope with his name written in cursive purple ink. His hands shook as he slowly turned it over to undo the tucked flap with care. He unfolded the paper, and read,

_Dear Himchan,_

_My beloved ChanChan. You have no idea how much this pains me to write. If you're reading this now, it means I didn't hide it well enough. I know that may sound mean, that's not my intention, just like hurting you was completely unintentional. I didn't want you to worry about me. I knew that if I told you about my heart disease, you would fret and hover like you do whenever I had the flu. Which, to be honest, is really adorable, but I knew you'd be a little different. I didn't want you to change how you saw me. I knew that your love for me wouldn't change, of course I know that better than anyone, but I knew you'd treat me like I was a fragile china doll, like I would break the moment the wind blew too hard. But that doesn't give me an excuse as to how I undoubtedly damaged you._

_Please forgive me._

_Channie, I'm so sorry. I should've told you. I should've told you. You were my most trusted confidant, my love, my rock. I should've told you. You DESERVED to know, but baby, I was scared. I was so scared. I only had so much time left. I didn't want us to spend the time we had left frightened. I wanted for us to continue loving the way we were, and that was my fault. I should've told you, and now I've injured you, and I'm such A FUCKING IDIOT. It wasn't fair to you. It wasn't right of me to keep you in the dark, and now you're alone, and you had to learn from the fucking doctor that I was sick. And knowing you, you probably blame yourself for not seeing it earlier. Baby,_

_IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT_

_It's mine. I'm the fool who decided to wait. I'm the asshole who left you alone, and I'm so sorry. I understand the anger you're no doubt feeling, and I don't blame you if you hate me right now, but please. Himchannie, please I beg you. Please. It will hurt, and I'm kicking myself for still being the instrument of your agony, but please read all of these letters. Read them all to the very last one. They will explain everything._

_Baby, I miss you. I miss your hugs, your smile, your laugh. I miss the way you whisper I love you, the way you roll your eyes when you're irritated. I miss the way to always left the toilet seat up, I miss how you always burn everything you cook, and how you used to bury your toes between my legs when they were cold. Himchan, I miss everything about you. And I will always love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Daehyunnie_

The painful sobbing scream that ripped itself from Himchan's throat was barely human as it clawed it's way out. So many emotions swirled around his head, clouding all coherent thought as he clutched his head. His fingers yanked painfully at his hair. Why couldn't Daehyun just be a peaceful memory? Why couldn't he move on? Why must everything remind him of his greatest loss? He stared at the box like it had morphed into some kind of monster, and scrambled to get away from it, scuttling backwards like a crab. A part of him wished he'd never found the box, wished that he could just rewind time to where it had been safely tucked away behind all that junk under the bed, but another was curious as to what Dae had to say, what he had written.

"Dae," he choked out, his face turned upwards as he begged. "Please, let me go."

But there were no strings keeping Daehyun attached to him. Maybe... Maybe it was his turn to let go?

**✫ ☆ ✫ ☆ ✫ ☆ ✫**

_I hope you'll come back again_  
_At this spot where I'm the only one left_  
_I close my eyes_  
_And I rewind to redraw again today_

Another day, another painful ache. Another heartbeat, another letter. Himchan stared at the blank ceiling, his hands splayed loosely on his stomach as his mind unwillingly began to wander for the umpteenth time that night.  He'd been avoiding that plain brown box as much as he could, but his mind seemed stuck on it. It scared him to find out what each letter contained. So much so that he'd been sleeping in the living room for the last week, too afraid to even look at the box, but he didn't know how much more back pain he could live with. Daehyun wrote those while he was still alive, but when? When did he have time to write such pain filled letters? He'd only just read the first one, but the amount of pain, and self hatred that was poured into it was so tangible. He could practically  _feel_ his baby's sadness. 

Himchan sat up, and stared at his hands. What was he so afraid of? They were just words on a piece of paper.  _But words can hurt more than physical wounds sometimes, Himchan_ , he reminded himself. Daehyun was right about one thing though. He did blame himself for Daehyunnie's death. It had taken almost three years to haphazardly sew himself shut. Was he really ready to tear himself wide open? Just for a handful of colorful paper? He glanced at the stairs. Seems so.

**✫ ☆ ✫ ☆ ✫ ☆ ✫**

He sat in front of the box, still afraid to touch it. He was slowly gathering his courage up to pull it closer, to reach inside of the cardboard flaps, and pull out the paper pieces of what was left of his only love. Taking a deep breath, he reached out and hooked a trembling finger into the corner of the box, dragging it just close enough to reach inside and pull out an orange envelope. On the front was his name written in Daehyun's cursive handwriting with glittery blue ink, a small '2' penned into the corner of it. His hand shook so much as he turned it over that he had to take a moment to gather himself before opening it, and unfolding the words inside.

_Himchannie~!_

_You're back!! To be honest, I was a little scared you wouldn't read the rest of them. I know that this is a big discovery that, with no ill meaning, I had hoped you would never find. I had hoped that you would eventually become callous to the pain I'd caused you, settle back down, maybe even find someone else to love. I'm not asking you to forget me, Channie, I know you. That's what you're thinking, isn't it? That I want you to to forget all about me, because that's how you move on. No. Please don't do that. I don't want you to forget me. That's the last thing I want. I want you to remember me, but I also want you to move on. Did you ever notice the things I did when I dragged you out to unimportant social events that you didn't want to go to? Making you meet, and talk to, other men, even though it killed me to know that they liked you. To know that they were hitting on you. To know that I, the one who loved you more than life itself, was literally trying to find you someone you could love when I was no longer in the picture._

_Haha._

_How stupid could I have been? To think that you would've moved on so quickly? I'm actually kind of glad that you didn't click with any of them. I don't think I could've handled that. Even if it had been my doing. You're surprised, aren't you? You had no idea. You didn't even know there was something wrong with me. WHICH WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. I purposely hid that part of me from you. My doctor's appointments, my health checkup's, my cardiovascular surgery that you knew nothing about because I used the 'business trip' excuse on you. I was a terrible partner, wasn't I? Reading this probably makes it sound like I didn't love you at all. That's not true, Channie. I loved you to the point that I was selfish. I was greedy. I didn't want anything to change. I wanted to keep our perfect life in a unbreakable glass jar, and place it in my soul for safekeeping, but that was my one great flaw._

_"Keeping secrets is what tears couples apart." Karma caught up with me. My life was my price to pay for my dastardly lie. Why am I crying? Why do I hurt so much? Why does writing this bring me so much pain? This is probably a fraction of what you're feeling now. Does this make me evil? Himchan, does this make me a bad person? If everything I said, and did, and felt was real, but this one act was false, does that mean everything I told you, and did for you, and felt for you as a lie too?_

_I'm a fool. A stupid, stupid, ignorant, greedy, lying asshole who should've told you, who should've thought of his love before making a life changing decision without him._

_I'm sorry,_ _I'm sorry,_ _I'm sorry,_ _I'm sorry,_ _I'm sorry,_ _I'm sorry,_ _I'm sorry,_ _I'm sorry,_ _I'm so sorry_

 _I'M SO SORRY_

_There will never be a time where I've said that enough. I will continue to say it, from now as you read every word in every letter I've written, to when we see each other again in another life. I'm ranting again... I suppose I'll leave you be now. This is a horrible way to end an apology letter, but I've always been awkward at this kind of thing. You knew that better than anyone, huh Channie?_ _Until my next letter, baby._

_My soul is yours,_

                                                               _Daehyunnie_

 

And once again, the semi sealed crack in Himchan's heart was split wide open.


End file.
